What Kids Really Remember About the Holidays: A Therapist's Guide to Meaningful Celebrations

This article was developed through insights gathered during our monthly therapist roundtable at Viewpoint Calgary Psychological Services. We extend our gratitude to the following therapists who contributed their expertise and perspectives: Rebecca Pink, Samantha Rintoul, and Cathy Jackson. These collaborative discussions allow our team to share evidence-based approaches and practical wisdom that we hope will be helpful to the couples and families in our community and beyond.

Every December, parents face the same mounting pressure: create the perfect holiday. The right gifts, the flawless decorations, the Instagram-worthy moments. But what if we've been focusing on the wrong things all along?

The mental health professionals at Viewpoint who gathered for this roundtable have a message that might surprise you: your kids aren't keeping a mental tally of how much you spent or how perfectly you decorated. They're tracking something entirely different.

The Magic Isn't in the Money

When Rebecca reflects on her own family, she notices a clear pattern: children value shared meaning and memories above all else. Those intentional moments of baking together, watching movies, creating traditions become the emotional anchors they carry into adulthood.

Samantha agrees, looking back at her own childhood: while a few specific presents stand out, what really remains are the traditions and the laughter so intense it caused physical pain. The magic sleeping jammies opened on Christmas Eve. The Christmas mornings spent doubled over with joy.

This isn't just nostalgia talking. It's a fundamental truth about how memory works. We remember how things made us feel far more vividly than what we received.

The Tradition Conversation

For couples spending their first holiday together or families blending traditions, Samantha offers crucial advice: have a purposeful conversation about what makes the season feel special to each person. What feels like Christmas to you might be completely different from your partner's cherished memories.

One person might need stockings before coffee on Christmas morning. Another might crave slow mornings making cinnamon buns together. These things can coexist, but only if you know they matter to each other. As Samantha puts it, laying out these expectations before the holidays helps you support each other in meeting them.

Cathy adds another layer: when blending families, consider creating your own unique traditions. Something that belongs just to your new family unit can become a powerful way to build shared identity.

When Values Shift Over Time

Not everyone in a family changes at the same pace. Cathy describes how her family's approach to gifts has evolved as her parents aged. They have so much stuff now; what they really want is time with their children and grandchildren. The family shifted to gifts of shared experiences, bowling and pizza nights, dinners together.

But what happens when some family members want to change the dynamic while others resist?

Rebecca suggests having conversations about what gifts mean to your family this year. Is it a practical Christmas? A themed one? She recalls a favorite Christmas centered around comfort and coziness, where every gift aligned with that vision.

The key is flexibility and open communication. And as Cathy notes, small changes over time work better than trying to overhaul everything at once when some family members aren't ready.

The Price Tag Doesn't Equal Love

Samantha challenges a belief many of us have internalized: that the amount spent on a gift reflects how much we care. While choosing to give when you have resources is indeed a form of love, we don't all have that capacity at every point in time.

The real value in a gift comes from the thought behind it. Does this show that you know the person? That you see their values and interests? That you chose something specifically for them?

As Samantha points out, it's not that you got someone socks; it's that you got fuzzy socks because you know they love them. That knowing, that care, that understanding is what creates meaning.

The Mental Load Problem

Rebecca, speaking from experience as the usual holiday planner, emphasizes the importance of asking for help. But Cathy raises an important counterpoint: asking for help is genuinely difficult for many people, especially those who worry about burdening others.

Samantha reframes the question entirely: whose responsibility is it to create the magic of Christmas? She's seen clients where one partner reaches total burnout after years of carrying this load alone, to the point where "Christmas is canceled."

The solution involves negotiating responsibilities as a team. What am I responsible for? What are you responsible for? What do we share? And crucially, how does our capacity change from year to year?

The Gift of Imperfection

All three therapists circle back to the same theme: letting go of perfect. Samantha describes how we get caught up in expectations of how things should look and miss the beauty of what's actually happening. When you notice yourself fixating on that ideal vision, pause and ask: what about this moment is special right now? What am I missing if I focus on perfect instead of being present?

Rebecca encourages parents to have these conversations with their kids too. At 12 and 13, her daughters are learning to manage expectations and understand that holidays are about joy and shared experiences, not flawless execution.

Navigating Difficult Situations

Separated Parents

For children splitting holidays between households, Samantha speaks from personal experience. Those first few years are hard. People are missing wherever you are. Parents need to do their best to be respectful of the other parent and avoid putting children in the middle.

Her advice: if your kids are old enough, talk to them about what traditions feel special and what they need to make this different-looking Christmas still feel meaningful. Acknowledge the sadness or anger that might show up in the middle of joyful moments because those feelings are valid.

Balancing Multiple Families

When torn between both sides of the family, Samantha offers a reality check: you're going to disappoint somebody. If you work on pleasing everyone else, it might be you who loses out.

Cathy reframes Christmas as a season, not just a day. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, the whole week, New Year's. Spreading visits out and honoring your own capacity matters more than seeing everyone on the exact date.

Rebecca adds that setting gentle boundaries is healthy. Learning to say no and being okay with saying no is a crucial skill during the holidays.

And Cathy has a message for parents of adult children: part of your work involves letting go of expectations that your kids must be with you. They have their own families now and another set of in-laws. Not giving guilt is part of the letting-go process.

Making Space for Grief

Samantha brings up something often overlooked during "the most joyful time of year": grief. Grief for traditions that have ended, for aging family members who can't fill the roles they once did, for people who are missing.

Joy and grief can coexist. You can talk about absent loved ones on Christmas morning, share special memories, or make an ornament that represents them. You can acknowledge that it's bittersweet while still creating moments of happiness. Remembering, and being remembered will always be a gift worth giving. 

Whatever emotions show up, they're valid and telling you something. Be soft with yourself and accept how they appear.

Self-Regulation in the Chaos

Samantha knows she's a chronic overscheduler during the holidays. Her solution: being purposeful about saying no when she's overbooked. Six days of plans in a row means by day six, she won't be doing well.

She also recognizes her personal cues for overwhelm: pressure in her chest, face feeling hot. When those appear, she takes a break. Maybe hides in the bathroom for five minutes of deep breathing. Maybe steps onto the porch for cold air. Taking that pause to regulate yourself is better than saying something you can't take back in a moment of anger.

Cathy suggests looking at your patterns. If every year you're exhausted by Boxing Day and January is a write-off, what can you change going into this season? For her, finishing shopping before December eliminates the stress of malls and lineups, letting her actually enjoy the month.

Rebecca notices herself falling into old family roles, like being the peacekeeper. Recognizing those patterns ahead of time helps her choose how to respond rather than just reacting.

The Bottom Line

When asked to complete the thought "Kids remember the holidays more for how they felt, not for..." Samantha answers: "what they unwrap."

Cathy points out that kids remember the process of Christmas more than specific gifts. The excitement of unwrapping stockings full of silly cheap things. The joy of giving a gift they drew or made and watching grandparents open it. The family gathered together.

Even Samantha's worst gift ever, a Glee Christmas CD that was absolutely not her taste, became one of her most cherished memories because they laughed so hard together that she almost peed her pants. Twenty years later, that's what she remembers.

Rebecca's kids still run around with the binoculars from a play they saw last year. Not because the binoculars were expensive, but because of the shared experience attached to them.

The holidays don't have to be expensive to be magical. They don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. They just have to be real, present, and filled with the kind of connection that creates the memories your children will carry forward.

As Samantha reminds us: be gentle with yourself and your loved ones. Embrace the imperfections. Find ways to stay present. Focus on what matters to you. Because the things that go wrong might just become the really good memories 20 years from now.