Navigating Grief During the Holidays

Dec 10

Quite often, there's a sense of pressure to make the holidays the happiest, picture-perfect time of the year. And for lots of people, the reality is a bit messier. I love the holidays! And they are a time of year that can hold a lot of grief for people, myself included. Reconciling the fact that joy and grief can coexist can be really hard! Whether it’s the first or thirteenth holiday season without a loved one, their absence can feel like a hole - who fills those roles now that they are gone, and do we bring up their absence? Or there might be the grief of being far away from loved ones, unable to participate in the traditions you cherish for reasons of distance or disability.

My favourite way of thinking about grief is described by the Dual Process Model, which says we shift between two states: focusing on who (or what) is missing and on rebuilding our lives. While we may feel guilty for moving on or focusing on the good things when our loss feels so consuming and catastrophic, the shift to rebuilding is actually normal and oftentimes healthy. It allows us to feel and experience our grief without being consumed by it. Shifting our focus to re-establishing ourselves and engaging with the world again (including doing things that bring us joy) is a part of emerging from the fog of grief, but also allows us to come up for air in the midst of our grief, giving us a chance to recharge our ability to cope with the loss. The oscillation between these two states is a normal part of grieving and not something to feel guilty or concerned about. The concern arises when we are stuck in either extreme rather than moving between the two.

I’ll be the first to acknowledge that cultural norms around grief really change what is or is not acceptable, so what is normal in one context might be abnormal in another, but that does not inherently mean it is an unhealthy way of grieving. In North American culture, we are somewhat removed from death and loss and don’t have many formal traditions to share our grief or mark our losses. So, I would invite you, as you navigate this holiday season, to express your grief and find ways to mark your loss and remember the person you are missing. Whether this means sharing a favourite memory of them, creating a tradition - such as hanging a special ornament to remember them, or even just saying aloud to a loved one that you are missing this person, giving voice to your grief rather than dealing with it alone, can help make it easier to bear.

As you step into this holiday season, and if you’re experiencing both grief AND joy, it may feel wrong. It might feel like a betrayal, or like you are not grieving in the right way, but there is no right way to grieve, despite what older theories will tell you. There are just people, doing the best they can to find the sparks of joy in the middle of a loss. And those sparks can feel like a life raft, keeping us going in the midst of our hurt. So, I invite you to acknowledge your loss, remember your people in a way that feels authentic, and accept that a functional part of navigating grief is for joy to exist within it, and please know you are not alone in these feelings.