When Love Means Different Things: Navigating Valentine’s Day Expectations

Feb 5

Ah Valentines Day… Love is in the air, and so is disappointment. Valentines day is lovely in theory, and when you are aligned with your partner about the meaning of Valentines day and how you both think it should be celebrated, but when there is a mismatch between the meaning you both attach to the day and the rituals associated with it, conflict and hurt feelings can escalate quickly.

Before we go further, I want to introduce two concepts we talk a lot about in couples therapy (borrowed from our fave couple - the Gottmans <3) - Rituals of Connection and Shared Meaning. Both of these play a big role in where conflict related to Valentine's Day can show up.

Rituals of connection are the habitual things we do, whether daily or in this case annually, that show we care. They are the ways we choose to interact with each other, and the patterns we deliberately create that nurture increased connection and care. This can be as simple as how you greet each other after coming home from work, or something bigger like sharing a meal on Valentine's Day. What’s important isn’t what you do, it’s that the effort behind it is intentional and the connection between you and your partner is prioritized.

The other big idea is Shared Meaning - particularly symbolic meaning when it comes to holidays - what does it mean for us to love each other, how do we show that love, what is the meaning you attach to gifting, or going out in public together to celebrate your love? How, in your unique relationship, have you crafted a mutual understanding of what it means to celebrate each other? If there is a mismatch between expectations here, this is where a lot of conflict can start.`

Let’s think of an imaginary couple, Charlie and Taylor. They’ve been together a year and a bit, and this is the first Valentine's day where they are serious. Charlie has always been about the gifts, but isn’t a big people person, so they would love to celebrate their partner with a meaningful gift and a special dinner at home. Taylor, on the other hand, wants to show off their partner; they are proud of them and believe it is important to go out together to celebrate. Both of these perspectives are valid, but it gets tricky when we don’t communicate about our expectations and the values and meaning attached to these ideas.

So, how do we actually talk about the meaning we assign to these occasions? Whether you’ve been together for three months or three decades, the conversation might look a little different but a question I really like to start these conversations is “What does this (Valentines Day or giving gifts or celebrating birthdays or even just saying goodnight) mean to you?” with the follow up questions of “What parts of that feel important for us to prioritize?” A key piece of this is not just asking the question, but also honouring each other’s responses. If, as in our example, there is a mismatch, compromise and communication will be key. If going out feels important to one partner but overwhelming to the other, our couple might choose to celebrate at home on the 14th and go out together the following weekend, when things are a little quieter. Or they choose to go out for breakfast instead of dinner, so the quality time is still honoured, but the pressure can be a little lower.

Truly, honestly talking about the meaning we assign to the little rituals as well as the big ones is important, because our own experiences shape what feels meaningful. And when you are merging two lives to create a partnership, we might not always know these pieces of each other, but when we come to know and understand each other in new ways, we can honour those needs and work together to create our own expectations and rituals for how we celebrate each other on the big days and more importantly, the everydays.