What Couples Really Want (Hint: It’s Not Roses or Chocolates)
A Valentine’s Day Reflection on Connection, Presence, and Feeling Seen
Valentine’s Day often arrives with a lot of pressure. There are expectations about romance, grand
gestures, thoughtful gifts, and perfectly planned evenings. And while roses and chocolates can
certainly be lovely, for many couples this day can quietly highlight something else; distance,
disconnection, or a sense that something has shifted.
If that’s your experience, you’re not alone. Even strong, loving couples can find themselves
feeling out of sync at times. Disconnection doesn’t mean a relationship is failing; more often, it’s
a signal that something meaningful is asking for attention.
What couples tend to want most isn’t perfection or extravagance. At its core, it’s much simpler
and much deeper. Couples want to feel seen. They want to feel emotionally chosen, understood,
and safe turning towards one another, especially in the middle of busy, stressful lives.
In my work with couples, I often hear that it’s not the absence of effort that hurts most, but the
absence of emotional presence. Feeling unheard, dismissed, or emotionally alone can be far more
painful than forgetting a card or not buying flowers. When emotional needs feel unmet, even the
most thoughtful gifts can land flat.
The Gottman Method, a research-based approach to couples therapy, offers a helpful way to
understand this. One of its core concepts is bids for connection. A bid is a small attempt to
connect such as sharing a story from the day, asking a question, making a joke, reaching out for a
hand, or giving a hug. These moments are often subtle and easy to miss, but they are how
couples build trust and closeness over time.
When couples consistently turn towards these bids, with interest, warmth, or curiosity,
connection grows and is nurtured. When bids are missed (often unintentionally), distance can
slowly creep in. Over time, it’s not the big moments that define the health of the relationship, but
these small, everyday interactions.
This is why emotional presence matters more than presents. Feeling that your partner is
genuinely interested in you, responsive to you, and emotionally available creates a sense of
safety that no single holiday gesture can replace. It’s not about doing everything “right,” but
about showing up in a way that says, YOU MATTER TO ME.
The good news is that connection doesn’t require sweeping changes. Small shifts, pausing to
listen, asking a follow-up question, responding with warmth instead of distraction, can make a
meaningful difference. Many couples already have the strengths they need; sometimes they just
need to support slowing down and noticing each other again.
This Valentine’s Day, it may be worth asking not just What should we do? but How can we be
more present with each other? Connection is built moment by moment, and it’s never too late to
begin turning towards one another again.
If this reflection resonates, couples therapy can be a supportive space to explore these patterns,
strengthen connection, and rediscover what brings you together, without blame, pressure, or
judgment.
Rebecca Pink
Registered Provisional Psychologist