Relearning the Good: Finding Hope in Couples Therapy

May 15

When Couples Lose Sight of One Another

There’s something deeply hopeful about working with couples. Even when partners arrive at Viewpoint Calgary Psychological Services feeling disconnected, frustrated, or emotionally exhausted, I often find myself noticing something they can no longer see themselves: the strengths that still remain within their relationship.

One concept from the Gottman Method, an evidence-based approach that has strongly influenced my work with couples, is something called negative sentiment override. At its core, this happens when couples begin seeing each other through a more negative emotional lens. Over time, conflict, resentment, stress, or repeated misunderstandings can begin to shape how partners interpret one another’s actions. Neutral moments may feel critical, small missteps can seem much bigger, and genuine attempts at connection can be overlooked or dismissed. Often, couples are not lacking love or care, they’ve simply become caught in a painful relational pattern that makes it harder to see one another clearly.

When couples are in this space, it can genuinely feel to them as though everything is wrong.

The Strengths Couples Often Forget They Have

What has been so meaningful in my work is watching how surprised many couples are when we begin exploring not only their challenges, but also their strengths. Through the Gottman Oral History Interview and the Gottman Relationship Checkup, I spend time getting to know the couple beyond the conflict. I learn how they met, what they admire about one another, what really drew them together, the life they’ve built, the hardships they’ve overcome together, and the moments of connection that still quietly exist beneath the surface.

Often I’ll reflect back on things they haven’t noticed in a long time.

I might point out that despite their frustration; they still speak respectfully to one another. Or that they both show genuine concern for the wellbeing of their family. Sometimes I notice that one partner instinctively reaches for the other during difficult conversations, or that they still laugh together despite being stuck. I often see strong friendship systems, shared values, rituals of connection, and deep care that have simply become overshadowed by stress and hurt.

And frequently, there is a visible shift in the room.

Inspiring Hope Through Small Moments

I think many couples come into therapy expecting the focus to be primarily on what is not working in the relationship. Of course, challenges matter, and difficult conversations are important. But a strengths-based approach also recognizes that healing often comes from reconnecting to what is already working. Couples need help remembering not only what hurts, but what also still exists between them.

One of the things that I appreciate most about the Gottman Method is that it emphasizes that healthy relationships are not built through grand gestures alone. They are built through small, everyday moments of connection. Gottman refers to these as “bid for connection” – the little ways partners reach toward one another emotionally.

A bid for connection might look like putting your phone down when your partner is speaking. It might be sending a quick text during the day, making coffee for one another in the morning, leaving notes, sharing a joke, asking about their day, or planning a nice dinner to sit down together after a long day. These moments may seem small, but over time, they create the emotional foundation of a relationship.

Sometimes Couples Need Help Seeing the Good Again

What continues to stand out to me in couples work is this: even when couples feel far apart, there is often still so much good in the room. And honestly, relationships can be hard. Most of us know, in one way or another, that long-term relationships come with ups and downs, stress, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection. Sometimes couples need a little support, new tools, and a different perspective to begin finding their way back to one another again.