Communicating with Your Teen

Nancy Bergeron, R.Psych.

The key to building a positive relationship with your teenager is to keep the channels of communication open. We tend to consider the importance of big talks about significant topics with teens. However, the ability to connect when it really matters is often based on the ability to connect when it doesn't.

If you want to keep lines of communication open with your teenager:

Talk off-message
Often as a parent you're so aware of what you see as the important issues you want to discuss with your teenager - unsuitable friends, doing homework, playing loud music - that you forget to simply pass the time with them. If your teenager knows that every conversation with you means a lecture on something, they're going to avoid them. Research shows that the majority of exchanges between parents and their children entirely involve complaints and rebukes. Some teens say the only time their parents talk to them is to tell them off. However, if they're used to chatting to you about fun stuff and things they're interested in, and doing, they'll tune in and be relaxed with you. Then, when you do want to discuss something important, or ask them to do something differently, they're likely to listen.

Use open questions
Using open questions is another vital tool in making communicating with teenagers easier. A closed question stops communication rather than starting it. Questions you can answer with a yes or no, such as are you going out? do you have homework? are closed. They only need a short answer and don't give the opportunity to say any more. Instead, try an opener. An opener carries with it a different message… tell me more, I'm interested and listening. Some examples of open questions are: tell me about your day, you seem fed up/happy, tell me about it.

Share something
If you want your teenager to feel relaxed and comfortable about sharing their concerns and feelings with you, it helps to be open yourself. This doesn't mean offloading your teenager with your worries that would frighten them, or be inappropriate for them to know. Young people look to parents to be in control and all-knowing. As they become teenagers, if you keep up a facade of never having problems yourself, barriers may emerge between you and your teenager. They may begin to feel incompetent—that they have all these worries which no one else seems to share, they may think that you don't share in having worries, and therefore can't appreciate theirs. When your teenager says “you don't understand,” they are often speaking from the heart and really feel you can't understand what they are going through. Another barrier may arise if they know that you have as many anxieties as they do but won't admit it, and they are unwilling to open up to you because they see you as insincere, and hypocritical.

Walk the walk
One way to lose your teenager's trust is to tell them to do one thing while breaking the rules yourself. Lectures on alcohol and drugs may fall on deaf ears if you drink and partake. They may reject your advice on the grounds that you do it too. They may also decide that since you ignore your own rules on one issue, that they can ignore what you say about other things too. Modelling good behaviour for them will always be more effective than preaching about it.

Listen without judgement or criticism
As parents, we feel that we have to guide, instruct and inform. Seeing parenting as a job where you are in charge gives you a vested interest in feeling you can solve any difficulties experienced by your teenager. You tend to think their inexperience is the same as them not being competent or capable. Standing by and letting them find their own solutions to problems may leave you feeling anxious. However, it may be a source of pride that you rob from them when they could have figured something out for themselves but you solved for them. Give them the same support that you would a friend—simply listen without making judgements, offering criticism, or solutions. Sometimes you need to give your teenager exactly the respect and behaviour you'd give a friend. Judging, blaming, criticizing and disabling them can destroy self-esteem and cause distance between you and your teenager.

Give unconditional love but hold strong boundaries over behaviour
Your teenager needs to know that you love them, no matter what. But that is not the same thing as condoning, accepting or allowing their bad behaviour. When you find yourself in conflict with your teen it helps to remember that it's the behaviour, not the teenager, you may not like. And it's the behaviour not the teenager you want to address. Much of the time the things they get up to are normal behaviour for their age and development. But there are obviously times when you need to address it. The key to being effective is not to make it personal. Be specific while avoiding labels and making your requests clear. Say: your coat was left on the floor. I don't appreciate having to tidy up after you. Next time, please put your coat in the closet. This works far more effectively than: you're such a slob! What am I going to do with you? I'm not your servant, you know!

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