Creating Healthy Traditions for Your New Family Unit

Starting a life together, whether it involves moving in together, getting engaged, or planning a wedding, is one of the most exciting seasons in a relationship. Couples often find themselves balancing the elation of this new chapter with the conflicting opinions of others. Merging your lives as a couple can introduce emotional complexity that you may not have anticipated. Your love story likely has other characters that you need to consider when blending the traditions, expectations and emotional needs of two entire families. 

Making the transition from “me and you” to “us” can feel crowded when you need to consider the history and opinions of your loved ones, especially if you are blending cultures and religious belief systems. Learning how to manage your expectations while still honouring your wishes can feel murky. 

The good news is that you are not alone. Let’s explore how to approach this together. 

Leading with curiosity over defensiveness 

It will allow a soft place for conversations to develop. When you sense a parent or family member starting to push, pause and reflect on what might be driving their demands. Oftentimes, it has less to do with control and more to do with seeking connection; understanding their “why” can help to transition areas of conflict into compassion.

Determine what matters to you as a couple.

Create space to reflect and check in with one another. Being able to identify what values are meaningful to you and that you want to carry forward in your life together will set the tone for what traditions you want to hold onto and areas that you are excited to grow new ones. 

Create boundaries that are loving and clear.

Saying things like “we have chosen to incorporate this new tradition that represents both of our backgrounds” is clear, yet not confrontational. It’s a beautiful way to honour how you plan to approach the world as a united team. It’s okay to say, “We have decided to make this decision because it feels right to us.” It's clear, but respectful.

Build traditions that bring comfort.

Whether you’re planning the details of your wedding or how to celebrate an upcoming holiday, if it feels like “home” to you both, you have found your foundation. Start small by choosing menu items that bring comfort and incorporate elements that bring you both joy. These tiny details will shape your new traditions while carrying forward the comforts of what you grew up with.

It’s okay to grieve.

Letting go of customs and traditions to form new ones can be hard. You may be setting down roots in an unfamiliar place, and holidays won't include the same faces around the table. Give yourself permission to feel the losses as you build your future together. Love and ache can coexist simultaneously. Lean into one another as you traverse these feelings. The trust and connection that comes from holding a safe space for each other will build a lasting bond in your relationship.

A quick final note:

At our practice, we often use Gottman principles to guide couples. This method often brings us back to the question “What is the dream within the conflict?” Discovering the answer to this will often lead you to the heart of understanding the desire for connection that might be disguising itself as conflict.