5 Reasons Why Sex Therapy Shouldn’t Be the First Step to Rekindling Intimacy.

It is natural for couples facing intimacy issues to want to leap into action to reconnect in the bedroom. Often, the hope is that if we can once again ignite that passion, the rest will fall into place. The truth is that intimacy extends beyond the physical.

It’s common for couples navigating complex life stressors such as being parents, meeting job expectations, and tending to the responsibilities of running a home to feel like they have lost their way when connecting physically with their partner. The good news is that with support, the path that led to the disconnect can often be retraced to address where things began to go off-course. 

Getting back to basics is the best place to start, and here’s why.

1. Like anything built to stand the test of time, strong relationships are only as good as their foundation.

Intimacy issues are often a symptom of deeper problems in the couples we work with. Changing bodies, insecurities, trust and resentment, and lack of emotional connection can all lead to unresolved feelings. Consider the steps you took when your relationship began; for many, their intimate connection began with an emotional one that evolved slowly as they felt comfortable and safe with one another. The same holds true now.

Reconnecting with your partner begins with rebuilding trust and emotional safety. This first step is essential for achieving the levels of intimacy you crave, and peeling back those layers together can be a beautifully intimate experience.

2. Emotional connection fuels physical connection.

Truly thriving couples cherish the knowledge that emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy. Are you feeling the heaviness of navigating the complexities of this life stage and craving your partner's connection to help carry the load? Caring for children, aging parents, and shifts in physical and hormonal health can lead to feeling exhausted, unlike yourself, and disconnected. Partners often feel defeated, unappreciated, and alone, leading to distance in their physical connection. 

When couples can reconnect on a deeper emotional level and restore their feelings of trust and safety with each other, sexual intimacy is often an organic progression.  

3. Unresolved resentment and feelings of not being seen will become barriers to your intimate connection.

Nothing builds walls like resentment, the feeling that you carry the weight of unequal roles or broken trust. When we feel betrayed or unable to count on our partner to provide a safe and reliable role in our relationship, our ability to soften into one another and connect intimately will be challenged. 

Carving out the time to commit to working through past hurts and betrayals will foster an environment for trust and appreciation to once again flourish, making physical intimacy a much more attainable step.

4. Adjust your expectations. The results that you crave start with the efforts you put in.

Navigating sexual intimacy in midlife comes with a unique set of challenges that many are not prepared for. Physical changes, hormonal fluctuations and the subsequent nuances that can come with a new set of circumstances to incorporate into your sex life. Physical intimacy might look different and, in many ways, can be a new awakening and expression of your partnership. 

Discovering new ways to connect and express your physical closeness may be a process that evolves and doesn’t happen overnight. Being patient and leaning into one another with open and safe communication can help restore a strong, intimate connection that can grow with you together.

Applying simple principles like Gottman’s “Small Things Often” has been proven to profoundly restore a couple’s intimacy. It can be implemented in as little as a few minutes a day, five days a week. Try starting your day with a short conversation, sharing what you anticipate in your upcoming day, and parting with a “6-Second Kiss.”

5. No amount of therapy will be effective if you are not genuinely ready to do the work.

Sex therapy is designed to build on the comfort and communication that you share with your partner. When a couple comes to therapy with confidence and trust in their emotional connection, the work to bring physical intimacy to a greater level is an enhancement of what is going right. 

By addressing any issues around communication, disconnection or other blocks in your relationship first, partners will be better positioned to benefit from sex therapy.

The best place to start?

For what might feel a little bit like the age-old “chicken or the egg” dilemma, we can assure you that there is a “cart to put before the horse” in this case. 

If you are ready to invest in your relationship and are seeking professional support, couples counselling is a more effective place to start rebuilding the intimate reboot you desire. Ensuring that communication, emotional connection, and other relationship dynamics are intact first will provide an organic foundation for lasting intimacy.

You might already have a good sense of where your relationship is at, but if you’re looking for a quick measure, take our Is Your Relationship Thriving Quiz through the button below.